All That Fills Us by Autumn Lytle

Author:Autumn Lytle
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction;Pilgrims and pilgrimages—Fiction;Anorexia—Fiction;Self-realization in women—Fiction;Christian fiction;Novels;FIC042100;FIC044000
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2022-03-21T00:00:00+00:00

18

“My sister went through something very similar when she was growing up,” Amy began cautiously. I was lying on a twin bed with a purple-and-blue patterned quilt over me. The room was small and tidy with an empty dresser for guests and cubbies stocked with neatly folded matching towels and sheets. The pale green walls held photos of serene prairie landscapes, only visible by the dim light of the bedside lamp Amy had turned on. I was facing the wall, too emotionally wrecked and embarrassed to look at this woman perched at the foot of the bed who probably wasn’t much older than me.

“It really . . . it really changed her. We were so close before that. But then, I don’t know . . . She drew into herself. Away from everything and everyone.” She paused. I could picture her staring off into a past I couldn’t see.

“I thought she was so selfish. I was so angry with her for such a long time. Our parents weren’t the kind of parents kids hoped for, so I really needed her. But she was all but consumed by this thing that I thought she had chosen to let devour her from the inside out.”

I didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say to that, anyway.

“I only realized how wrong I had been about the whole thing once she got help and opened up to me about it. I realized I had been the selfish one, not her.”

That statement was enough to make me turn around and face her. “That doesn’t make any sense. What she did . . . It was her fault. She was a victim of her own creation.” I shifted to face the ceiling. “Trust me, I would know.”

I heard her sigh. “See, this is why I really wish you would seek professional help.” When I didn’t say anything, she continued. “This is not your fault, Mel. This happens to people all the time without much rhyme or reason. It’s nobody’s fault because blaming yourself or anyone else doesn’t change the fact that you’re here now, suffering from it. You wouldn’t blame the cancer patient, would you? The same rules apply to people who suffer from mental illnesses. I’m not saying this to clear your conscience. This stuff has been scientifically proven.”

“From what you said it sounds like you might not be blaming your sister, but you’re blaming yourself.” I curled up, pulling the quilt to my chin. “You said you were the selfish one. Blaming yourself is just as bad as blaming your sister.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her shake her head. “That’s not why I said that. I’m not to blame for my sister’s illness, I know that. But that whole time I knew she was suffering, all I wanted was for her to be fine again. Fine for me, not for her. I felt like I lost her, and I was so angry because of it.” She rested her forearms on her thighs and glanced back at me.

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